The Blame Game

One of my greatest struggles with OCD is blaming myself. When my OCD was first triggered I began to experience psychotic thoughts.  No, not the kind of psychotic tendencies that Hollywood exaggerates and bends into what they want us to believe psychosis is. Most people with psychosis experience a sort of "loss of contact with reality". Some people may develop hallucinations, but thankfully for me that was not the case. 

For example... One night I was walking down my upstairs hallway from my room to the bathroom when I heard a gunshot outside. Of course I froze like any other normal hearing person would. But then I began believing that I had shot the gun and killed someone. I ran downstairs to my parents, asking them if I was just outside. They said no, and I explained how I thought that I had shot the gun outside. 

I used to also believe that while I was sleeping my body was out killing people. I would rarely sleep at night in fear of losing control of my body. ... Of course while I was sleeping my body lay in bed but I felt unsure.  

Often times I would wonder (and sometimes still do), "how could I have such awful thoughts such as hurting the people I love if I truly don't want to," "do these thoughts mean I will hurt someone," "does this mean deep down I actually do want to hurt someone?" I used to continually blame myself for having feelings or thoughts about hurting others. I considered myself a monster. I hated myself. 

As I mentioned in the "What the heck is OCD..." information box on my home page, people who have OCD develop compulsions. Compulsions are how people who struggle with OCD cope with their thoughts in an unhealthy and "easy" way. Usually it doesn't seem to make sense for others, but for the person who has OCD it acts as an escape from their unwanted thoughts. Unfortunately, compulsions are only short-term relief. For me, I starved myself. To someone else they may not see the connection between coping with my obsessional thoughts of hurting loved ones with starving myself... but to me it made perfect sense. I didn't think I was fat, I wasn't trying to improve my physical image. Instead, I starved myself so I knew for a fact that I wouldn't be strong enough to ever hurt someone. I also would sometimes cut my wrists to relieve my guilt from my obsessional violent thoughts. Although those are both physical compulsions that I struggled with... for many, compulsions also come in thought forms. Such as praying the same prayer over and over, reassuring oneself, etc. 

A turning point in my recovery was when I later learned through therapy and my OCD workbook that it's not my fault I have obsessional thoughts. I didn't do anything to deserve them. I learned that everybody has violent thoughts like me, but people who struggle with OCD put importance on those thoughts- then thinking that there must be something wrong with them. I have no reason to feel guilty about my thoughts. Thoughts are just thoughts. They aren't actions. My obsessional violent thoughts do not define me as a person. 

If you are struggling with blaming yourself for obsessional violent thoughts... you are not to blame. You did not do anything to deserve this. Your thoughts do not define you. And you are not alone. 

Why blog???

My OCD has been bothering me today. I know that I will have it forever, but I know that in the future it will no longer be this burden on my shoulders and instead a gnat buzzing around my head. I have made progress over this past year with the help of medicine and therapy... but still, when it does bother me, I feel like I can't endure another day of it. Yet somehow... I do. Sometimes when I'm afraid, I mean really afraid, I shake. Sometimes I even whisper Jesus' name while laying in my room at night. I feel like no one knows what I go through. I have no one to tell me it's going to be ok. That they have Violent Obsessions OCD too... but there isn't. At least not yet. I wish there was some kind of support group for it or something. I know I'm not the only one with this disorder... but sometimes I feel so alone. That's how I feel today- alone. So if you're somewhere out there reading this and you feel alone in your OCD, know that somewhere someone else knows what it's like to be you... and to be me.